laurenmreiland's JournalWednesday, September 28, 200510:24PM - I stink at thisI am so bad at this live journal thing. I am so much better at writing in my journal here at home. I guess it's not so bad...I don't even think anyone reads this, so I really don't feel that bad. I am actually going to go write in my journal now...I just wanted to write something. Tuesday, August 9, 20055:28PM - TeachingHooray!!!! Last night my school called me and offered me a full time position. That means that I can stay in York forever...if I want to. I'm sure I will at least stay for a few years...YIPPY. Tonight I will leave for York because I have teacher orientation. I hope all goes well. Current mood:  excitedTuesday, August 2, 20054:57PM - Life is preciousIt has been a sad day at camp. A friend of many of the staff members died yesterday. She was climbing in Colorado, clipped herself in wrong and fell to the ground. I can't even begin to comprehend how this family might be feeling. How do you ever prepare yourself to receive a phone call that your 22 year old daughter has died? My heart has been saddened for this family and so many others that have gone through tragedy. When I hear about these things I am reminded of how precious life is and how precious the people in my life are. I just want to tell everyone I care about how much I love them...which I should do anyway. Life can change so quickly...one minute you could have everyone in your life that you love and the next someone could be gone. Current mood:  anxiousSaturday, July 30, 200511:26AM - God's WordEvery year that I am at camp, the staff always has a memory verse. Since I can remember, it has always been the same one, so throughout the years, my mind has accomplished memorizing it. Honestly, I have never taken the time to memorize it, it just happened from being exposed to it enough. Finally, the camp decided to give us more scripture to memorize (they may have given this one to us before too, but I never memorized it). And for once, I decided to actually apply myself and meditate on and memorize our passage. I don't do this often, because I always use the lame excuse that I'm just not good at memorizing things. I finally realized how lame that excuse really is and did something about it. Current mood: confident Current music: Blessed be your name Sunday, July 24, 20059:31AM - I'm BlessedI feel loved!!! I feel blessed! The amount of love that I have received this past week has been amazing. I can't believe the amount of people that have shown me love in some way and how many people are praying for me during this time. The sad part is, I have not felt complete joy from that because I am hurting too much. I feel like I am in this bubble and everyone around me is bubbly and happy and my heart is torn to pieces...I try to feel that happiness, but I just can't find it right now. Current mood:  sadMonday, July 11, 20058:03PM - Our God- The HealerI've been thinking a lot lately about how our God heals us. Countless times in my life, I have felt like it wasn't possible to be free from pain or heartache, but our Father has always been Faithful in healing my heart. Lately, I have had several friends come to me feeling hopeless; like they will never feel alive again; like they will never feel joy again. It has been difficult because I just want to be able to make their pain disappear, but I know there are no words that I can say that will comfort their soul. Sometimes God's word may help, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I've been continually going back to the verses in Hosea 6 that talks about how the Lord will heal us even after he has torn us to pieces. For me, those verses are very real and true...I guess for some people, they haven't felt the healing power of our Lord. During the hardest times in my life, I have learned the most; I have seen more of who God is; I have understood more of how our Father loves us. Our God is a healing God, and I just want my friends to know the truth in that...I can pray for them...I can listen to them...I can offer words of wisdom...but I seem to always want to do more...I have to realize that I am not the healer...Christ is. Current mood:  goodMonday, June 13, 20051:57PM - LigonierI'm starting to get adjusted to Ligonier. I feel like I have not had time to process the changes that have taken place in my life. I like to reflect on my life when one chapter ends and another one begins. Often times, I don't realize the things I have learned until I have had time to think about them. Therefore, I have been feeling frustrated with the lack of time that I have. I'm looking forward to a little bit of time off next Saturday. Current mood:  calmCurrent music: Draw me close to you Tuesday, May 31, 20052:27PM - The Next ChapterAs I sit here, I am looking around at my empty classroom, looking like it once did before I started at the beginning of the year. It's a room full of memories...good, bad, frustrating, precious and amazing! A room once full of life is now so lonely. A room where I once heard my name a thousand times a day, is now so silent. Who knew that I would miss that? It felt so good to be loved by my class...unconditional love. No matter how much I disciplined them, no matter if I was having a good day, bad day...no matter if I was happy or sad...no matter if I was a good teacher or not...they still loved me. And of course, I miss my hugs! What's a girl to do when she goes from about 50 hugs a day to about one, if I'm lucky? Well, this chapter of my life is just about over...and what an excellent chapter is was! Who knows what the next chapter will bring, maybe the author hasn't written it yet, but I can't wait to go on my journey. Current mood: goodFriday, May 20, 20053:43PM - ForgivenessThis morning as I was driving to work, I was overwhelmed with thoughts about how much God loves us. As I listened to a song by Third Day called 'Just to be with you', I started to think about Forgiveness- how with love must come forgiveness. Just as our Lord forgives us daily, we should be forgiving of others daily; What better way to show love? This songs also talks about the sacrifices that our Lord has made to know us and be with us and how he would do it all again if he had to. How amazing is that! Not only did he do it once, but he would do it again- I mean think about that...really think about it. Current mood: relaxedCurrent music: 'Just to be with you' - Third Day Monday, May 16, 20053:58PM - Linville GorgeLast weekend Matt came down and we had a blast hiking and camping at the Linville Gorge- The adventures of Matt and Lauren. On Friday, we left for our journey at about 12:30. On the way there, we filled up on as many Frosty's from Wendy's as we could- did I mention that they were free? Right before we got to the Gorge, we stopped at the ranger station. They were nice enough to us and gave us a camping permit. Now we were on our way. The hike down was wonderful. Of course it was nice that it was all down hill, but we knew that the next day wouldn't be quite as easy. It was a beautiful hike down, surrounded by rocks, mountains, trees- at least what was left of them because there had been some fires there. When we arrived at the bottom we took a short rest on a rock in the middle of a river and Matt checked out the map for a bit. As we continued our hike, we were searching for the perfect camping spot; sure enough, we found it. First thing first, we needed to build a fire. Matt is much better at building a fire than I am, so I left it up to him. I just sat, smiled and picked up some sticks here and there. It only took him about 7 tries and the fire was going. Now it was play time- Rock hopping. We left our camp spot and went running on the rocks. This is one of my favorite things to do. It was nice to have Matt there because sometimes I just couldn't make some of those long jump, so having his strength to help me across was great. After play time we didn't do much except, snack, read, pray and sleep. Sleep was good, nothing like hearing water gushing in the river as your body relaxes and your mind drifts in and out all night long. When the sun came up it was rise and shine! It was time to get back up that mountain. Yeah, the hike up was definately not a walk in the park(it may have been a bit easier for me). If I didn't have Matt slowing me down I could have ran up that mountain! Okay, so maybe I was the slow one, but we made it! Once we were at the top, our adventure didn't stop there. First, we stopped back at the ranger station. They gave us some water and two quarters for souvenirs. He was so excited you would have thought he was giving us silver, but no, just a stinkin quarter! Anyho, we then saw Linville Falls and Table Rock. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't sure that my legs would make it to the top of the mountain, but I just kept moving. When we made it to the top we met a girl there that grew up in my home town, Ocean City, New Jersey! I am always excited when someone knows about my home town. Then again, down the mountain we went; back to the car and on our way home. We got to my place around 2:00 on saturday; Matt had to leave for Pennsylvania. I am sure that he had to have been tired since it was a short visit and he had done a lot of driving- he's a sweetheart! Now the journey is over, but I'm sure there will be more to come. Being surrounded by God's creation is something that both of us thoroughly enjoy. For me, it always feels like I am seeing a glimpse of heaven! Current mood: excitedSunday, May 8, 200512:50PM - 9 MonthsJust wanted to say Happy 9 months to my baby. You make me happy! Missing you! Current mood:  thankfulFriday, May 6, 20054:15PM - KiddiesYesterday at school, I think I horrified some of my children. Since our entire school was raising money for cancer research, I decided to try to explain to my Kindergartners what cancer was. Some of them did their best to understand and told me stories about how they had cancer once because they had a runny nose and how their dog had cancer because it got bit by a snake. Obviously these children had no clue what I was talking about, however, some of my children were horrified. They could not believe that there was something out there that could kill people. They kept asking me if people really die from this. I couldn't lie to them...so I just told the truth. Oh how innocent they are. Today, one of my kids came in all smiles and told me that he was going to stay with his grandma for 30 days. He was so happy! Then he told me it was because his mother went to jail. It didn't even phase him a bit...of course I got all teary eyed. Like I said...they are just so innocent. Current mood:  thirstyTuesday, May 3, 20055:12PM - What's next?Today, I resigned from my job. I guess it's official, I am moving back to PA. It wasn't until I got into my car after school around 4:30 that I really had time to think about the day. When I realized that I just quit a job that I love, I instantly started to cry...and here I am still crying. I know that PA is where I want to be, but it doesn't make leaving easier. I felt the exact same way when I left Ligonier to come to NC. I knew I wanted to come here and teach, but leaving Ligonier wasn't easy. Life changes so quickly...one moment you have everything figured out and the next you have no idea what the next step is. I do know that I trust our Lord...after Ligonier who knows where I'll be...but I know it will be good! Current mood: sadTuesday, April 26, 20059:38PM - PA here I come?Well...I am currently on the job hunt. I feel exactly the same way I felt last year at this time. Not sure of the future, confused, and stressed. Except now instead of the question should I leave PA, now it's...should I leave NC? My principal wants my resignation as soon as possible. I'm so funny because I asked him if I could have until next week. I think that going home this weekend will give me some sort of revelation. I think that after spending a weekend with all of the people I deeply care about, I'll want to come back to NC. Who am I kidding? I guess it's just hard to leave a job that I've always wanted. Ever since I can remember teaching is what I wanted to do...I've never wanted to do anything else. I have to remember that if I make this move, it doesn't mean that I will never be a teacher again. God may have the perfect job waiting for me, I just need to trust him. Why do I doubt? The Lord has always, always guided me and has always blessed me. How amazing our father truly is! Instead of being stressed, this should be a time of excitement, adventure! That sounds good to me! I think I'll try that mind set. Current mood:  busyCurrent music: Hold is up to the Light - David Wilcox Thursday, April 21, 20059:32PM - What more can I do?What do you do when you just want to help someone...you just want them to be happy? I have this habit of feeling like a failure if I can't make people happy. I always want to fix people's problems and make them feel good about themselves. The truth of the matter is, I just can't do that for everyone...and even if I do, I have to remember that it's not me...it's the Lord working through me. If the Lord wants me to help someone, I will. If he doesn't, that should be alright with me. I can't let these things get me down. Of course, I can sympathize, but I can't let the fact that I can't help someone bring me down. Why is my friend so sad? Why is she so confused? Why can't she accept that fact that people love her...that God loves her? Current mood:  tiredWednesday, April 20, 20058:25PM - PA or NC?What's a girl to do when she wants to be two places at once? Now that I have been in North Carolina for about 10 months, I am finally feeling content. I guess I should have felt that way all along because I suppose that I should feel content no matter what the circumstances are. In any case, it took me 10 months. I love my job, I love my church, I love my friends, I love the weather...I seem to just be enjoying everything! I am starting to feel like myself again...I feel alive. Does this feeling mean that I should stay? Or does it just mean that the Lord is showing me how to be content no matter where he may lead me? Nothing has changed since I moved; I still have the same friends, the same church and the same job. Has something changed inside of me? Am I just enjoying it now because I know that I may only have about a month left here? Once I go back to Pennsylvania for the summer will I want to come back here? When it all comes down to it, both places are wonderful and full of people I love and full of opportunity. I suppose it just comes down to, which is best? I can make a list of pros and cons for both places...I can go on and on about all of the amazing things about both PA and NC. In PA are all the people who are closest to my heart, yet in NC, I have a job that is close to my heart. Well, there will always be more jobs and more opportunities, but people are irreplaceable? Prayer to my father, friend, provider, comforter, is the only way I know how to feel at peace...no matter what road I choose. Current mood: calmTuesday, April 19, 200510:17PM - I want a famous faceSo there's this show called, I want a Famous Face. These people go on there because they want to look like someone else. When I see this show I get so sad that people, beautiful people want to change the way that they look. They spend thousands of dollars for something that is dangerous and might not turn out how they want. The woman on tonight claims that she cannot be happy unless she looks more like Jennifer Aniston...the hair, nose, eyes, breasts, clothes...everything. Her entire life happiness is based on whether she looks good or not, whether or not she looks like someone else. Why is this world so obsessed with beauty? Why do we want to look like other people? Why can't we look at ourselves and say wow, what a beautiful creation I am. The sad part is, sometimes I am jealous that these people are getting liposuction. It's like a quick fix to getting the body that they want. I think...why can't it be that easy for me, why can't I look like that? I wonder if I will ever be completely satisfied with my body, no matter what size it may be? The only way I know how to conquer it is through pray. Honest prayer to my father. I seem to be doing better with my self image...I pray that I will continue to love myself for the person that I am. Current mood: relaxedCurrent music: You are so good to me- Third Day Monday, April 18, 20059:51PM - To the mountains we wentThis weekend I went on a retreat to Montreat, North Carolina. This retreat was just the girls! No boys allowed. We were surrounded by God's amazing creation as we stayed in a little cabin nestled in the woods. We couldn't escape the beauty of the mountains. I've realized that there is something special about being in a secluded place with other people. In this type of atmosphere people let there guard down and are free to be who they are. No one thinks about what they look like, what they say or what others will think about them. They are real. How often do we meet people who are real? Honest? Genuine? People are so afraid to let people see their hearts. We try to be strong and cover up pain and heartache, but there is freedom in being able to express your feelings, your sorrows to others. At this retreat, I saw real people. People who laugh, people who cry, people who cry out to God because they hurt so much. If I didn't go on this retreat would I have known that these people were so broken inside...probably not because we are so afraid to let people see that side of us. What would it be like if everyone was honest? Current mood:  contemplativeSunday, April 17, 20054:50PM - I have no idea what I am doingSo today is the first day that I decided to try this Live Journal thing. I am not sure that it is going to last, but I like to write so this might be fun. As you can see, I have no idea what I am doing yet, therefore, my Live Journal will look generic for a while. I suppose that is doesn't really matter right now because I'm the only who knows that I have this LJ. This is kinda fun! Hopefully it works out. Current mood: contentCurrent music: My Redeemer Lives |
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